Breaking the Silence: Depression, Anxiety, and My Absence

 Dearest Diary,

Please forgive my extended absence. Life has been… a lot lately. It feels like the waves have been crashing down relentlessly, and I've been struggling to keep my head above water. The truth is, both my mental and physical health have taken a significant hit these past few weeks (or has it been months? Time feels so distorted). Anxiety has become a constant companion, whispering doubts and fears that drain my energy and cloud my focus. My physical health hasn’t been much kinder, leaving me feeling like I’m running on empty most days.

I recently had my annual physiotherapy review, which is always an important milestone for me. It’s a reminder of the progress I’ve made and the challenges I continue to face. I’ll share more about it soon, but for now, I’m still processing the experience and what it means for my journey.

There have been days when simply getting out of bed felt like an insurmountable task. The thought of writing—of pouring my thoughts and feelings onto paper (or screen)—felt utterly overwhelming. The words just wouldn’t come, and when they did, they were tangled and heavy with negativity.

I know how important it is to prioritise self-care, but even that has felt difficult. Some days, I’ve managed a short walk using my walker, which always helps a little. 

The fresh air and movement remind me that I’m still capable, even when I feel fragile. Other days, I’ve curled up with a comforting book or watched a feel-good movie, seeking solace in stories that transport me away from my struggles.

Sleep has been both a refuge and a challenge. It’s one of my favourite things to do when I’m feeling low, but it’s also a reminder of how much my body needs rest to recover. Balancing this with the demands of running a family has been a delicate dance—one that often leaves me feeling like I’m falling short, even when I know I’m doing my best. But here’s the thing: resilience isn’t about never falling. It’s about finding the strength to get back up, even when the weight of the world feels unbearable. It’s about taking small steps forward, even when the path ahead is unclear. I’m hoping that by starting again, even if it’s just a few lines at a time, I can begin to find my way back to myself. Writing has always been a source of healing for me—a way to untangle the knots in my mind and rediscover the light within.

Reflections:

This journey has reminded me that life isn’t always sunshine and rainbows. There are storms, and it’s okay to take shelter and wait for them to pass. It’s OK to feel vulnerable, to rest, and to ask for help when you need it. Self-care isn’t always glamorous. Sometimes, it’s as simple as taking a deep breath, sipping a warm cup of tea, or allowing yourself to pause and just be. It’s about listening to your body and honouring what it needs, even when the world demands more.

Balancing family life with chronic health challenges is never easy, but it’s also a testament to the strength and love that binds us together. My family has been my anchor, reminding me that I’m not alone in this journey. To anyone reading this who feels like they’re struggling: know that you’re not alone. It’s okay to take things one step at a time, to celebrate the small wins, and to give yourself grace on the harder days. Thank you for listening, even when I’ve been silent. Your support means more than words can express, and I’m grateful to have this space to share my journey.

"This is just the beginning of some new changes here. I’m keeping things simple for now, but I look forward to growing and sharing more with you all in the New Year. Stay tuned!"

With love,

The beginning of the family

Dear Diary,

Today marked the beautiful beginning of our family of four! As I sat there, my heart overflowed with love and excitement. Becoming a new mum was an incredible journey, and with cerebral palsy, it added a unique layer of challenges and triumphs.

Embracing My Role as a New Mum

I had always dreamt of having a family, and welcoming our twins into the world felt magical. My training as a nursery assistant armed me with a treasure trove of childcare knowledge, which was invaluable in those early days of motherhood. Yet, cerebral palsy meant I needed a little extra help with certain tasks, like carrying the twins and managing some household chores.

Building Our Support Network

The beginning of our family of four could have been overwhelming without our incredible support network. I was so grateful for the national charity, Home-Start. They had been a pillar of strength, providing guidance and practical help. With their support, I could focus on nurturing our little ones. Plus, the help from local college trainees had been a game-changer. Their energy and enthusiasm were both reassuring and inspiring.

Juggling Life with Twins

Life with twins was a delightful mix of chaos and joy. Each day brought new adventures and lessons about them—and myself. Our daily routine looked something like this:

• Morning: We started with feeding, diaper changes, and cherished morning cuddles.

• Afternoon: Playtime was a highlight, filled with giggles and exploration.

• Evening: With our support team, we managed dinner prep and bedtime routines smoothly.

Looking to the Future

As I embraced this new chapter, I was filled with hope and determination. The journey wasn't always easy, but the love and support around us made every challenge worthwhile.

Questions to Ponder:

• How can communities better support families with unique needs?

• What role does empathy play in building inclusive support networks?

• How can individuals with disabilities advocate for themselves in parenting roles?

Reflecting on these questions, I was grateful for the foundation we built and excited for the adventures ahead. Our family was just beginning, and I couldn't wait to see where this journey took us.

Love

Sweetestmoondust

Diary of My third Trimester: Welcoming Twins with Cerebral Palsy

Preparing for the Arrival: The Final Trimester

Years later, as I reflect on those months with the scent of freshly laundered baby clothes still vivid in my memory, I remember the roller coaster journey through the third trimester of my pregnancy. As someone with cerebral palsy, my partner and I faced unique challenges while preparing to welcome our twins into the world.

During that trimester, the twins grew rapidly, and as they took up more room inside me, my mobility became increasingly limited. I found myself relying more on my wheelchair and leaning heavily on my partner for support. Simple tasks became monumental, but my determination never wavered.

Navigating Challenges: Living with Cerebral Palsy

Living with cerebral palsy during pregnancy meant that each day brought new challenges. While I was barely able to walk, I focused on what I could do rather than what I couldn't. My partner's unwavering support was my pillar of strength, guiding me through the most difficult days.

Tips for Managing Pregnancy with Cerebral Palsy

1. Seek Support: Lean on your partner, family, and friends. It truly takes a village.

2. Prioritise Rest: Your body was working overtime. Rest was not a luxury; it was a necessity.

3. Consult Specialists: Regular consultations with obstetricians and specialists in cerebral palsy should help manage symptoms effectively.

4. Stay Informed: Knowledge about what to expect helped alleviate anxiety.

The Birth Experience: A C-Section at 37 Weeks and 5 Days

The day finally arrived when I was to meet my little ones. At 37 weeks and 5 days, my doctor recommended a cesarean section. The decision was made to ensure the safest delivery for both me and the babies.

As the medical team prepared me for surgery, a mix of emotions washed over me—excitement, nervousness, and an overwhelming sense of gratitude. When I heard the first cries of my twins, all the challenges of the past months faded away. They were here, healthy and beautiful, and that was all that mattered.

Reflecting on the Journey: A New Beginning

Welcoming the twins had been the greatest joy of our lives. Every late-night feeding and every gentle coo was a reminder of the incredible journey we had been on. Living with cerebral palsy presented unique challenges, but it also taught me resilience and the power of love and support.

Questions to Ponder

• How can we better support individuals with disabilities through major life events like pregnancy?

• What steps can society take to ensure accessibility and inclusivity for all parents?

• How do personal challenges shape our experiences and perspectives as parents?

This chapter of my life has been a testament to strength and love. As I embarked on this new journey with my twins, I was hopeful for the future. Years later, I remain grateful for the love and support that carried us through. Thank you for following along and sharing this incredible adventure with me.

Diary of a Twin Pregnancy: The Second Trimester

 

Week 14-16: The Journey Continues

As the second trimester unfolded, I found myself both excited and anxious. Having twins meant there were more frequent check-ins with my healthcare provider. Fortnightly scans became part of my routine, ensuring that both babies were growing as they should. It was a relief each time to see their tiny limbs and hear the rhythmic beating of their hearts.

During one of these scans, I discovered I was carrying one of each—a boy and a girl. This revelation filled me with joy and a sense of completeness. It also brought on a wave of planning and anticipation as I began to envision life with my little duo.

Cravings and Nesting

Pregnancy cravings are no joke! This trimester, I couldn't get enough fruit and custard. Whether I combined them or enjoyed them separately, they were my go-to snacks. Sometimes, I'd even find myself daydreaming about the perfect fruit salad topped with a generous dollop of creamy custard.

Simultaneously, the nesting instinct kicked in stronger than ever. I started planning and organising the nursery. Each piece of furniture and every colour choice was meticulously considered to create a warm and welcoming space for the twins. I even made a list of local businesses to visit for unique nursery decor, eager to support our community while preparing for our growing family.

Importance of Community Support

Planning for twins is no small feat, and I quickly realised the importance of leaning on family and friends' support. I was given odds and ends such as bassinets and cots ready for twins, as well as clothing, which helped me feel less alone on this journey.

Weeks 24-26: Reflecting and Looking Ahead

As I moved further into the second trimester, I reflected on how much had already changed. The twins were growing steadily, my cravings continued to shape my diet, and the nursery was coming together beautifully. I felt a profound connection not only to my unborn children but also to the community around me.

Questions to Ponder:

• What role do family and friends play in easing the journey of expectant parents, whether they have a close-knit family or not?

• How do personal experiences shape the way we prepare for major life changes?

This journey has taught me that the support of a community,  with the joy of preparing for new life, is invaluable. As the days pass and my anticipation grows, I am grateful for every moment and every helping hand along the way.

Diary Entry: Discovering I Was Pregnant with Twins

What a shock!

I had just found out that I was pregnant. The IVF worked the first time, and I was overwhelmed with joy. As soon as the news sank in, I instinctively started nesting, even though I was unsure how many eggs had settled in.

At 5 weeks, I fainted and went to the hospital, only to discover that both eggs had settled in, meaning I was expecting twins! The fertility clinic advised me to have scans every two weeks to monitor the twins' progress. This new reality was thrilling and daunting at the same time.

I had to pay close attention to my body, particularly because my cerebral palsy was affected by the pregnancy. The first trimester was a challenge, as I endured a full 16 weeks of sickness. My diet was limited to ginger biscuits and certain fruits I could stomach. Tea became a comforting ritual, and occasionally, I treated myself to a fizzy drink like Coke. Interestingly, I developed a sudden allergy to chicken and gold, which meant I couldn't eat chicken or wear any gold jewellery.

Despite the challenges, the anticipation of meeting my twins kept me motivated and hopeful. Each day brought new experiences and adjustments, and I learned to embrace the changes with an open heart. And could not wait to see how my body would cope with the changes.

My Journey to Parenthood: through the Path of IVF.

 

Week 1: The Beginning

Dear Diary,

Today marks the start of my IVF journey. I feel a mix of excitement and nervousness as I prepare myself for the weeks ahead. The clinic visit was informative, and I left with a bag full of medication and a schedule to follow. Tonight, I'll take my first injection. I know this is just the beginning, but I'm hopeful for what the future holds.

Week 2: Settling into a Routine

Dear Diary,

It's the second week, and I've started to settle into the routine of injections every other day. Each time, I switched between my legs to avoid too much soreness in one spot. The process is becoming more manageable, though not without its challenges. I keep reminding myself of the end goal—to hold a beautiful baby in my arms.

Week 3: A Setback

Dear Diary,

This week brought an unexpected hurdle. During a routine ultrasound, the doctor found two adhesions as big as my fists. I was taken aback, but the medical team assured me that they could be lasered away without a problem. The procedure was quick, and I am relieved to have it behind me. I must keep my spirits high and stay focused on the journey.

Week 4: Continuing with Hope

Dear Diary,

I’m halfway through the injections now. My legs are a bit sore, but I’m managing. I’ve been trying to keep myself busy with work and hobbies to take my mind off the physical discomfort. Each injection is a step closer to my dream, and I hold onto that thought whenever the process feels overwhelming.

Week 5: Nearing the End of Injections

Dear Diary,

Another week of injections done, and just one more to go. It’s been a challenging path so far, but I’m proud of myself for persevering. I’ve started meditating in the evenings to help calm my nerves, and it seems to be helping. My body feels strong, and I’m ready for the next phase.

Week 6: The Last Injection

Dear Diary,

Today, I took my final injection. It’s a relief to have this part of the process behind me. My legs are thankful for the break, and I am grateful to everyone who has supported me along the way. The next step is the egg insertion, which will happen soon. My heart is full of hope and anticipation.

Week 7: The Wait Begins

Dear Diary,

The eggs were successfully inserted this week. It was a surreal experience, and I felt a wave of emotions—excitement, fear, hope. Now, I must wait for two weeks before I can take a pregnancy test. These days will be filled with patience and positivity as I dream of the possibility of a new life beginning inside me.

Week 8: The Best News

Dear Diary,

I took the pregnancy test today, and it was positive! I can hardly believe it—I am pregnant! Tears of joy filled my eyes as I saw the result. This journey has been long and challenging, but knowing that it was all worth it makes my heart soar. I am so grateful for this miracle and cannot wait to see what the future holds.

With love and hope,

My Journey with Endometriosis and the Dream of Parenthood

Day 1: A New Diagnosis

Dear Diary,

Today marked a significant turning point in my life as I received the diagnosis of stage 4 endometriosis. The weight of this news felt heavy, especially when paired with my existing struggles with clinical depression, general anxiety disorder, and mild spastic and ataxic diplegic cerebral palsy. I often questioned why my body felt like a battleground. However, amidst this chaos, I held onto a flicker of hope. My spouse and I learned that there was still a chance for us to conceive naturally, but the thought of the journey ahead felt daunting.

Day 30: Recovery and Hope

Dear Diary,

It had been a month since my surgery aimed at removing the damage caused by the endometriosis. The doctors’ optimistic outlook infused a sense of hope into our lives. My spouse and I made a conscious effort to focus on the positives, envisioning a future filled with the laughter and joy of a child. Each day, we celebrated the small victories, taking it one step at a time in this ongoing battle.

Day 90: The Waiting Game

Dear Diary,

Three months had flown by since the operation, and we had been trying to conceive naturally, clinging to our hopes of parenthood. Yet, each month, I found myself wrestling with disappointment and frustration. Thankfully, my support network proved incredible, reminding me that it was perfectly okay to feel this way. I worked on being gentle with myself, but the weight of the situation sometimes felt unbearable.

Day 180: Back to Square One

Dear Diary,

Today was a tough day. After six months, we received devastating news: the endometriosis had returned, and the damage was just as severe as before. It felt like a punch to the gut. My spouse and I embraced, both grappling with deep disappointment. The doctors suggested that our only viable option for having a child now was through IVF. Processing this information felt overwhelming, and I knew this new path would bring its own set of challenges.

Despite the setbacks, we refused to give up our dream of becoming parents. It was too precious to abandon. Together, we navigated this new chapter with hope and resilience. This journey taught me the true meaning of perseverance, as well as the incredible strength found in love and support. I felt deeply grateful for my spouse, who remained by my side through every twist and turn.

As I prepared for this next chapter of our story, I promised to document it with honesty and hope. For now, I took a deep breath and braced myself for what lay ahead.

With hope,

A Journey Through Time: Finding Strength in Love and Adversity

As I sit down to write this diary blog post, I find myself reflecting on a journey that began in the most unexpected of places—a local leisure center. It was there, as a late teen, that I met the person who has been my rock for more than two decades, my beloved spouse. At the time, I was still trying to find my way in life, grappling with the challenges that come with youth and uncertainty, not to mention battling undiagnosed clinical depression. 

A Supportive Partner 

During those formative years, I was not only searching for my path but also wrestling with the profound question of why I had been given the condition of Cerebral Palsy. While I understood the medical explanations, I couldn't help but ponder the spiritual significance behind it. Despite these internal battles, my partner remained steadfast, offering unwavering support and love that helped me through the darkest times. 

Building a Life Together 

In those early years, I trained as a business assistant, during which I encountered the harsh realities and prejudices that people with disabilities often face. Despite the negativity, my partner and I pressed on, eventually buying a house after four years together. Ten months later, we were married, embarking on a honeymoon that symbolized the beginning of a shared journey filled with hope and love. 

Challenges and Growth 

Our home became a place of laughter, learning, and growth over the next 23 years. Though we faced the disappointment of being unable to have children early on, we found joy in each other and in the experiences we shared. I worked as a customer service assistant for three years, a role that brought both satisfaction and challenges. Yet, like many couples, we navigated the early stages of our life together with resilience and optimism.

The Battle with Mental Health 

Life, however, is rarely without its trials. After my stint at the local store, I decided to pursue a career as a business assistant, only to find myself in a difficult work environment that exacerbated my struggles with mental health. At 30, I was officially diagnosed with clinical depression and general anxiety disorder, marking the beginning of another battle—this time, with my mind. 

Through it all, the unwavering support of my spouse has been my anchor. Together, we have faced life's challenges with courage and love, continuously learning and growing alongside one another. This journey has taught me that while we may not always understand the reasons behind our struggles, we can find strength in the love and support of those we hold dear. 

Each day, I am reminded of the resilience that lies within us all and the profound impact that love and understanding can have on our lives. As we continue forward, I am grateful for the journey we've shared and the future that awaits.

Diary Entry: My Life After GCSEs Before the Big Step

Dear Diary, 

Today, I want to reflect on my journey since completing my GCSEs and how it has shaped me into who I am now. Transitioning to college marked the beginning of an exciting yet daunting chapter in my life, especially as I navigated this with cerebral palsy. 

Thriving in the First Year 

Looking back on my first year at college, I can’t help but feel a sense of pride. It was a period of growth and new experiences, and I truly thrived both academically and socially. The independence I gained was empowering; I learned to embrace the responsibility that came with higher education. I discovered that my cerebral palsy didn’t define me or limit my potential. It was a refreshing realization that fueled my motivation to push through challenges. Although I did still suffer from bouts

A Challenging Second Year 

However, the second year was a different story. It presented unforeseen challenges that I hadn’t anticipated. I found myself grappling with my second bout of clinical depression, which made everything feel heavier. The uncertainties I faced regarding my future career 

path compounded my struggles. I often felt lost, unsure of where to go next, which added to my anxiety. 

Navigating Uncertainty 

During this time, my thoughts often drifted to my dreams of becoming a mother and getting married. These aspirations felt distant, especially knowing I would encounter additional hurdles along the way. The path to employment seemed daunting, and the barriers loomed large. Despite the uncertainties, I held onto those dreams tightly, determined to make them a reality, even if I didn’t know how. 

Looking Forward

Through this journey, I’ve learned the importance of resilience and patience. It has taken time for me to become comfortable with where I am, but every step has contributed to my growth. I’ve come to appreciate the strength I’ve gained from facing these challenges head on. 

In my next entry, I hope to share how I realized my dreams of motherhood and marriage and how these milestones have further shaped the person I am today. Until then, I will continue to embrace the journey ahead. 

With hope and determination, 

My journey growing up with Cerebral Palsy: The Early Years

 

Growing up with Cerebral Palsy (CP) presented many challenges, but it also shaped me in ways I could never have imagined. It took me decades to truly understand and accept my condition. Here, I share my journey through the early years, my school experiences, and the lessons I've learned. 

Early Years and Physical Therapy 

From a young age, I was immersed in physical therapy. Weekly sessions were a part of my routine until I turned 11. These early interventions were crucial for my physical development and instilled a sense of perseverance within me. Through the support of skilled therapists, I learned to push my limits and celebrated every small victory. 

School Life: A Mixed Environment 

My educational journey began in a school that embraced both disabled and able-bodied children. This mixed environment taught me the value of diversity and inclusion. It was a place where differences were acknowledged, yet everyone worked together towards a common goal. I was fortunate to be among the first wave of children with disabilities integrated into my local mainstream school around my 10th birthday. This experience was both exciting and daunting, opening up new possibilities and challenges. 

The Boarding School Experience 

Transitioning to boarding school was a significant and difficult chapter in my life. Being away from home was a stark change, and unfortunately, I faced bullying, which made the experience even more challenging. Feelings of homesickness were frequent companions, but they also taught me resilience. Despite these struggles, I learned to advocate for myself, a skill that continues to serve me well. 

Finding My Footing

The year before what we call GCSEs in the UK, I changed schools once more. This new environment proved to be a turning point. The supportive atmosphere and understanding peers made a world of difference, allowing me to cope better and focus on my studies. It was here that I began to find my footing and gain confidence in my abilities truly. 

Lessons Learned 

Looking back, these experiences have taught me invaluable lessons: 

Resilience and Perseverance: Every challenge I faced built my resilience. I learned that setbacks are not the end but an opportunity to grow stronger. 

Advocacy: Speaking up for myself became a crucial skill, empowering me to seek the support and accommodations I needed. 

Inclusion and Empathy: Being in diverse environments fostered a deep sense of empathy and a commitment to advocate for inclusivity. 

While my journey with Cerebral Palsy has been filled with ups and downs, it has shaped me into the person I am today. Each experience, whether difficult or rewarding, has contributed to my growth. I hope that by sharing my story, others may find solace and inspiration in their journeys.