Depression And Cerebral Palsy: Things have been a bit dark!

 

Life Right Now

I wanted to make sure that finding the perfect way to explain things was easy but it is not. Not being able to clarify things without putting depression at the forefront of this blog has made it very difficult for a very long time. I have had clinical depression on and off. I also have been suffering from anxiety since I was young and the two of those things have made things at times unbearable. Not to the extent where I would end my life but I would want to hide until it all goes away and I feel better, but it doesn't always happen.

There are days when this happens and it takes me ages to get out of the funk I'm in because it feels like some kind of whirlpool. It feels like I am climbing out then being pulled back in and I can't win and on these days I know that it's a day for me to be quiet. This is why I have been recent. Stuff is going on which is triggering. It's nothing that has been severe enough for me to go as I have said but it has felt like I am the only one who is going through this.

Understanding the circle

I know that that's not the case but the struggle is there and is real and everyone who has a disability such as cerebral palsy will suffer from depression at some point due to frustration through the limitations that they are given.

One thing I was taught from a young age is that there is no such word as can't. This has led me to let myself in good stead however my physical limitations have not allowed me to do what my brain has said at times which is frustrating.

If you're reading this blog remember that you're not alone and if you're just learning about your disability or learning about a loved one's disability then treat them as normal as possible but also give them the realisation that not everything is possible. you will have to work around things because it is not fair.

There is a form of equality that everyone wants and this is what this blog is about, however, learning to accept the limitations within the disability can at times be like hell.

I don't mean literal. but personally, there are ways that you just can't explain it to someone because they aren't you. I have often felt if only they would realise what it was like in my shoes or my feet.

A Hint For Everyone

Learning skills that are required to live is better than having a degree in something above someone and some kind of educational system where people are put into categories. This can mean that the Equality system of the UK and every country in the world has been put under pressure because they wish to be known as the best. It doesn't mean that they are and it doesn't mean they aren't.

There is equality that is needed everywhere. Life skills are needed for everyone, not just for the people who are not as intellectually clever as others. If that was the case would be back in the old days putting us at Home and treating us as nothing. Yet there is the wish from both sides to be equal but yet not able to listen to what each person requires as help. Everyone deals with things differently and that is the point. Everyone is different and everyone is equal because each of us has bone, blood, muscle and skin.

I have said that before in a lot of my posts so it's hard to say something new about my disability right now. Especially as everyone else has a different type of cerebral palsy, from those of us who have it.

I still want to be treated as a human being just as anyone else in the world does. So this is a big depression point and I will be doing a shorter amount of Diaries in the depression series because each day can be different and it isn't always easy. Some days are easy but others aren't.

Depending on others is not a great thing to be wanting because you want the same as who would be classed as normal. Then again the question is everyone normal or is no one normal?

My Personal View

That is for everyone to decide and I choose the side of equality and from this point on in my blog, I will be trying to do more as I said in the depression side of it because it has been such a big struggle recently. It isn't always that way as I have said but it has been at the moment and the weights for an answer is distracting and frustrating triggering another depression cycle. I'm hoping that this can be understood by everyone and those who need the answers quickly such as myself will have them in good time for making plans. That will happen at some point you just have to wait. Taking it day by day.

Old and new things! the challenges of life

 The Old 

There are many things that I would love to be able to do. Many of which are out of the question. And yet there are many that I can do. 

My favourite things are books, makeup and music just to name a few. 

So much that I watch a few @YouTubers such as @LisaEldridge @DominiqueSaches and @WayneGoss for my makeup tips. Musically I listen to lots of different types such as #Jazz, #Pop, #Classical, #Swing, just to name a few. 

Bookwise I read a few favourites, such as @TerryPrattchet, @AgathaChristie, and @SirArthurConnnanDoyle. Although I am endeavouring to read more and different people. However, I am constantly drawn to my favourites especially when I am feeling low. 

New Challenges Suffering from clinical depression as part of my life because of cerebral palsy I end up feeling like hiding away and doing nothing. Yet as a child I remember my mum using my great grandmother's sewing machine. I remember her making dresses and quilting using scrap material.

As a child with cerebral palsy my agility and control of a foot pedal for a sewing machine was inconsistent. Meaning that it would sometimes become impossible possible for me to control the material and the speed of it going through the machine. 

But the thought of being able to make things for me has always been in my mind. As a teenager, I would make my own jewellery. 

New Challenges.  Similar to the items in the pictures above. However due to my age now and the effect cerebral palsy has on my fine motor skills, making it is harder to do the fiddly things. They are harder but not impossible. 

So after going through a cognitive therapy course early last year I decided to go to a group set up by a local charity called #InvolveKent. In which I have been learning how to use an electric sewing machine. I have also become more able to use the pedal. which is a great thing to check my maintenance in certain joints such as the ankle So although it won't be as neat as some at the moment I can do it. Or as the saying goes "do now get perfect later". I think the quote was said by @RichardBranson but I could be wrong.  For me, this saying is so true and has a meaning that I am just learning. 

But since selling the house my sewing has stopped as my machine is packed up ready for when we do move house. Are there any challenges new or old that you have? I'd love to know about them. Love and Peace  Xxx

Argh! maybe this isn't right? disabilities are not heard or seen!

 it's been one of those days, or rather just a few weeks where things have been a bit difficult for me. First of all, it was the Easter holidays. And my family. There was a couple of birthdays that were coming up that I needed to deal with before going back on to doing some more podcasts.

But as we all know, life gets in the way. So that hampered my plans. I wanted to get things sorted out a bit more with the way things were going regarding Sweetestmoondust style, website, and I wanted to be more clear on what we stand for as a whole. Because people are not realising what cerebral palsy is, and not knowing what we can and can't do is a real issue.

When we're out and about, many of us can walk not always stably. We will be using either crutches, walkers, some of us can walk without, but still need some help support, you know, with people around us and may get anxious and have slight anxiety because too close to someone else, or something like that. Others are in wheelchairs, whether they be manual pushing along themselves or having people with them to support them.

I wanted to make it clear that Sweetestmoondusts style is regarding any disabilities, as well as my own, which is cerebral palsy.

I'm wanting to advocate more for people with this condition and others. Many of them are not counted at all and don't have the voice that they need.

There are so many of us that we are forgotten about. We are the forgotten few in a way because sometimes a disability is so mild that it doesn't register very much. Then, at a later date, in our lives, it will come more and more relevant and prevalent. Because we will be tired quicker, but we will be still wanting to do things. And get more frustrated

not being able to do them, or having more and more struggle doing them and then having to ask people for their help sometimes.

We want to ask sometimes we don't. Sometimes we don't want that help. We don't want to look as if we're being ungrateful. But independence is there negated because we are the same as everybody else. And that would need to happen. if you've got asthma, you don't want to be treated by anyone different from someone who doesn't have asthma. You don't want to be treated any different than anyone else who's got glasses if you don’t want to be treated any differently.

Yet with cerebral palsy, it just happens to be a slightly more physical situation where it can be harder for us to either speak or relay our meanings across. I will stutter or I'll slur or I'll hesitate slightly longer than I should. Those are because of the way that I'm trying to get things out or I haven't had the right wording in my head even though I may think my voice might say something completely different from what it means. I'm wanting to clarify things with people because this is what Life with Sweetestmoondust is all about.

I will be putting up videos regarding makeup skincare, how we do it or rather show I how I do it because of my disability what I love by tech-wise what I do

I have written a few books “The monster within” and “Questions” and “More Questions”. I think with things like that, we can show that we are relevant in this world because it doesn't mean that we can't do things it means that we have to do things differently from everybody else. I want and hope that this world can be treating people of all races, all colours, all nationalities, disabilities, as the same, we needed all to be equal. In that respect, yes, we are different, and everyone is different. I'm being passionate about this, because, whether you be coloured or white, as the saying goes, but we're all different colours. We've got people who are albino, white, and then you got people who are pink, who are brown and everything across.

I don't see the point of taking the Mickey or being nasty about someone with a different race, different colour, different disability. Some people can't use their hands, they can't use their feet, sometimes they can't even talk. And that's someone I want to advocate for. The people who can't get their message across and who can't do what they want to do because they are stuck in their heads, not being able to express what they want to say properly, and may have to use a computer screen as Stephen Hawking did. Or hand movements or eye movements, or whatever the situation is, they need to be shown that they are valid, wanted, needed.

I'm really worried that with everything going down at the moment it is crazy.

I've seen recently locally in the UK, that there have been people in wheelchairs struggling, especially with seating outs, you know, when people are wanting to sit outside, which is great. But is it worth struggling? Because they can't get through their streets because we can't walk past I say walk, but you might say, go pass in a wheelchair or whatever. But it's, that's, that's the thing. We need to be showing that we are valid. And we are important.

We can't be shut away.

We don't need that. We need to be told that we are needed. We can do things and I will keep saying that because it is so important. Life for everyone is important. And that can't be shied away from for anybody.

Having cerebral palsy is just an aspect of me, not the whole of me. I'm wanting to get things said locally, nationally, internationally. I managed to get a crossing done for our road nearby because there wasn't enough safety. It wasn't just for me but for anybody else who's disabled. it was for families, mums kids, elderly who couldn't get across the road safely without being hit by a car coming from a four-way direction. It makes it ridiculous when you have situations like that here in the UK. When people have forgotten about us or don’t care. Because we don’t exist in their eyes.

I have gone on my mobility scooter into town where I am. And there are times when the pavement is so uncomfortable you feel like you're being thrown out of the scooter. I can imagine what it feels like for babies as well because they've been rocked. I guess it might feel nice.

They might feel like they are being rocked to sleep. But the adults and children who are being pushed in wheelchairs and scooters. They're feeling every bump going across uneven pavements is not comfortable.

we need some more smooth surfaces, helping to make it easier. It also helps people who are not unable to walk but need help. it keeps them safe. Whether you're disabled or not because you know the moms who have been pushing buggies and they are not safe sometimes. They have difficulty getting past trees walking down a road or they could be going down the road and there isn't a dropped curb. It will be difficult for either the buggy or mobility scooter or even the wheelchair when it's often blocked. There are lots here in the UK where people have forgotten that actually, we need to be heard and seen. All the drop down curbs needs to be available for everybody, not just people being lazy parking their cars in front of it.

But that's why I'm doing this.

This is why I've decided that I'm going to be doing videos from now on and I'll be doing podcasts and my blog office which is Sweetestmoondusts Style because it's about the style of life. And I want it to be stressed heard and it's not a lifestyle is a style of living. And I'm strongly wanting to get that across. Everybody needs to know that we are the same as anybody else. Over the next few months, I'm hoping to be doing them. Maybe a reading from one of my books regarding the poems and equality regarding that and saying what life is about as a person with the condition.

There are some great other people who I would love to interview and I will do via podcasts, which will be available only on the podcast and there'll be others that will be done via zoom that I'm hoping to get in touch with all sorts of things.

I'm just starting again after many, years of a break-up from doing things like what I used to do. I'm trying to get things sorted out a bit more, positive.