Sunday Thoughts: The Art of Sitting Still (When the Mind is Running)

 

Dear diary,

It’s a new normal Sunday for me.

Usually, the world tells you that Sundays are for resetting, for planning the week ahead, or for going out on big family adventures. But if you’ve been following this blog for a while—or if you live with a disability or chronic illness yourself—you know that our calendars don't always look like everyone else's.

Today, my calendar just says: Rest.

I’m sitting here with a cup of tea (the third one? possibly the fourth), listening to the hum of the house. The washing machine is doing its thing in the background—a sound that always grounds me—, and I am trying, really trying, to listen to my body.

Living with Cerebral Palsy (CP) is a constant negotiation. It’s a daily board meeting between what my brain wants to do and what my body is actually willing to permit. Lately, the physical side of things has been loud. There have been twinges in my neck, pain in my foot, and that heavy, familiar fatigue that feels like wearing a coat made of lead.

In the past, I would have fought this. I would have sat here feeling guilty, looking at the dust motes dancing in the light, thinking about all the things I should be doing. I would have worried that I wasn’t being consistent enough, or loud enough, or "productive" enough.

But I’m learning that there is a difference between being "productive" and being "creative."

Because even though I am physically sitting still—because the CP demands it today—my mind is travelling at a hundred miles an hour. That is the strange, beautiful contradiction of this life. The body might be parked in the slow lane, but the imagination is racing down the motorway.

That’s actually how my latest book came to be.

You might have seen that Book 4 is finally out in the wild. It’s on Amazon now, sitting there with its shiny cover, available for anyone to read. It feels strange to say it’s "done." For months, those poems were my constant companions. They were the scribbles made in waiting rooms, the notes typed out on my phone in the middle of the night when sleep wouldn't come, and the thoughts that kept me company when I was stuck in a chair, unable to move much else.

Now that it’s out, the standard advice is to push it. Market it. Shout about it. Post about it every hour.

But that’s not really the "Sweetestmoondust" way, is it?

The book is out there. It exists. It is a branch of this tree, but it isn’t the whole tree. The tree is this—the reality of a Sunday where the biggest achievement is managing the pain levels and keeping the peace.

And besides, my brain has already moved on.

Even as I sit here nursing this tea, guarding my energy, I can feel the spark of something new starting to catch. It’s the "writer’s curse"—you finish one project, and before the ink is even dry, the next idea starts tapping on your shoulder. I’m already plotting the next thing. I won’t say too much yet (mostly because it’s still a chaotic mess of notes and daydreams), but it’s there.

It reminds me that resilience isn't always about fighting the current. Sometimes, resilience is just floating.

So, if you are reading this and feeling guilty because you aren’t "hustling" today, or because your body has forced you to stop when you wanted to go—please, take a breath with me.

You are allowed to just be. You are allowed to let the washing machine provide the soundtrack to your day. You are allowed to let your creative work be a quiet stream rather than a flood.

I am going to finish this tea. I am going to rest my neck. And I am going to let the new ideas bubble away quietly in the background while I do absolutely nothing else.

Thank you for being here, and for reading the branches of my story.

With love (and plenty of tea),

💓

The Foundation Years

Dear Diary,

Its been a long time in the coming. I have finally got my fourth book out. ""The Foundation Years" . After so many years of anxiety, waiting and so much change since the last book that was published back in 2016. 

But it's now January 2026 and "The Foundation Years " has been out for 2 weeks.

Looking back, it’s hard to believe the last one was published way back in 2016. 

So much has happened in those ten years—so much anxiety, so much waiting, and changes I never could have predicted.

Between the lockdowns and the moves, there were times when life didn’t feel safe. We had to leave the "original" home behind to find a place where we could all just be.

For a long time, I was just "planning" and waiting for the time to be right. I was carrying decades of what was never said, spending time and money on masks that just didn’t fit.

But sitting here today, I realize the "growth" I was waiting for was happening inside all along.

My home is finally clean and secure. We are safe and sound. And while I’m seeing the changes in my body as I get older, I’m finding that mentally, I’m getting so much bolder. 

The noise from what others once made is finally beginning to fade. I can join my past to my future and finally be who I want to be.

"The Foundation Years" is out. The weight is lifted. And now, I’m ready to start writing the next chapter.

Love 

🌙✨

The beginning of the family

Dear Diary,

Today marked the beautiful beginning of our family of four! As I sat there, my heart overflowed with love and excitement. Becoming a new mum was an incredible journey, and with cerebral palsy, it added a unique layer of challenges and triumphs.

Embracing My Role as a New Mum

I had always dreamt of having a family, and welcoming our twins into the world felt magical. My training as a nursery assistant armed me with a treasure trove of childcare knowledge, which was invaluable in those early days of motherhood. Yet, cerebral palsy meant I needed a little extra help with certain tasks, like carrying the twins and managing some household chores.

Building Our Support Network

The beginning of our family of four could have been overwhelming without our incredible support network. I was so grateful for the national charity, Home-Start. They had been a pillar of strength, providing guidance and practical help. With their support, I could focus on nurturing our little ones. Plus, the help from local college trainees had been a game-changer. Their energy and enthusiasm were both reassuring and inspiring.

Juggling Life with Twins

Life with twins was a delightful mix of chaos and joy. Each day brought new adventures and lessons about them—and myself. Our daily routine looked something like this:

• Morning: We started with feeding, diaper changes, and cherished morning cuddles.

• Afternoon: Playtime was a highlight, filled with giggles and exploration.

• Evening: With our support team, we managed dinner prep and bedtime routines smoothly.

Looking to the Future

As I embraced this new chapter, I was filled with hope and determination. The journey wasn't always easy, but the love and support around us made every challenge worthwhile.

Questions to Ponder:

• How can communities better support families with unique needs?

• What role does empathy play in building inclusive support networks?

• How can individuals with disabilities advocate for themselves in parenting roles?

Reflecting on these questions, I was grateful for the foundation we built and excited for the adventures ahead. Our family was just beginning, and I couldn't wait to see where this journey took us.

Love

Sweetestmoondust

A new direction again.

I have written many posts about cerebral palsy, and moving homes several times. Particularly the new home and everything else to do with it.

I only lightly touched one. The big thing that has actually been causing problems recently, and probably over the last few years, is the depression side of things.

Yes, I was getting ready for a move. Yes, I was in emergency housing here in the UK. For over a year. It wasn't perfect. Many people have bigger problems than me. And I was grateful for having a place to stay when I knew there were other people who needed and still need them. That chapter has now been and done.

I'm okay on that side of things now, but I'm still having depression episodes. I wanted to talk about that today as it's a way forward to writing things down and clarifying things.

I seem to only show I'm feeling great on a day to day and I wanted to talk about cerebral palsy. More often, the depression side of things has kicked in more than anything else and I think that is going to be the way that I'm going to write forward. Which is why I haven't been writing posts as much as I should.

It might be a way forward because it can be so depressing sometimes. I don’t always know what to say . Some people have begun to understand cerebral palsy now and it does change from day to day, and I will be talking about it.

But as I'm in a safe place, a place I can be safe even if I fall. I feel more comfortable meaning I will be more involved in the depressive side of things, because it's not so great. I don't know what everyone thinks about that for a new direction.

I had hoped to be more positive. But with things being the way things are.

I'm wondering if it is an option to go through and wondering what everyone else thinks. Then again I'm not sure that the emotional and mental side of things are really mentioned either.

Despite the initial discussion on mental health for everyone.

People with disabilities are often lumbered with mental health issues as well as the physical. And that's not often talked about. I hope to just shed a little bit of light on these issues.

Getting used to Living in a New Home

 

I want to talk about settling in the home as a disabled person. I say that because after the many moves over 14 months, this blog was on a semi-break/ hiatus because of not knowing how long I was to be in one place. I mentioned it in other posts such as What has been happening   But when I moved into my final home. I wrote a quick post a few months ago. about what I struggled with and mentioned the list below

This is a list of things that I wish I had known before moving into my final home. 

• Involve the person with cerebral palsy in the planning process as much as possible. This will help them feel more in control and invested in the new home.

• List any accessibility needs, to be addressed in the new home. This could include wider doorways, bathroom grab bars, or a lower kitchen counter.

• Start unpacking and setting up the new home one room at a time. This will help to avoid feeling overwhelmed.

• Familiarise the person with cerebral palsy with the layout of the new home. This will help them feel more comfortable and independent.

• Be patient and allow plenty of time for the person with cerebral palsy to adjust to the new home.

For me, because of the previous moves, I was in limbo which meant that I could adapt relatively quickly for the emergency homes. but this is the home I plan to live in permanently. My body could not adjust quickly to the realisation that it could relax. And not worry about falling and knowing was safe. 

it has taken months to get used to the idea that I could put my hands on the wall to steady myself or use any of my equipment such as the home-help trolly to help me walk around and learn the differences in the surfaces of each room. I mentioned this in an earlier post A few months. It still stands as valid now as it did then because my body still hasn’t completely relaxed into the realisation it's safe. I think that is because I am waiting for the final things to happen to make it finally ready for the future. That's okay though as I know that these are going to happen but I don’t know when. I'm just going to have to compromise until then. 

I hope you took note of the list in either post as I found that it was indispensable for the transition so far. I just wish my body would catch up with the reality that I have been living in a safe place for it for some time now and it won't relax properly consistently. 

Is Hamnet by Maggie O'Farrell worth your time?

Since moving into a new home, I needed to start getting involved in the community so I joined the local library book club. 

Although there was one book that was to be read I was to start with the book that the group had read before and that was Small Pleasures by Clare Chambers. 

However, I am considering starting to write my blog again more consistently while reading that book. I decided to start with the book that they had read before that. That was Hamnet by Maggie O'Farrell. So I will begin.

 What is the synopsis?

The book is set in Elizabethan times when Queen Elizabeth the 1st on the throne. It is about a woman and her family. It begins with the loss of a child called Hamnet and then goes back to when the woman Agnes falls pregnant before marriage. Then loops back to the present time for her and how she deals with the loss and the family's own reaction.

The themes:

There are a group themes for this novel and they are:

• Death

• Love

• History

• Family dynamics

Death:

This is an obvious one with the death of Hamnet. So it is easy to see. Although a short one.

Love:

This one is not such an obvious one although it is combined with death because of Hamnet's death but also the early love between Agnes and her lover who becomes her husband while pregnant. And when they drift apart.

History:

This one is again so obvious as Maggie O'Farrell has used language and description as well as setting. She used a specific dateline of 1596 as this is when the child Hamnet died as a main link for the entire book.

Family dynamics:

This theme is a little more subtle than the others but it is the biggest one. The reason for this is many people are secondary characters. These included Agnes’s husband, siblings, children, parents and in-laws. 

My Thoughts:

For me, this was a tough book to start especially with the split in the beginning. But I pushed through and enjoyed it. Because I heard about it before reading it. I was intrigued by how Maggie O'Farrell wrote it. She used the historical truth as a basis. It is based on the time of William Shakespeare's life and the actual death of his son who is called Hamnet. Maggie also told the truth from Agnes, his first wife's point of view. Although much of the story is fiction, those bits are based on truth. So is it worth it?  Well, that is up to you! I did enjoy many of the subplots as well as the main one.

What does 2022 have for me?

What I think it has?

I think the new year has a lot of good things happening. Not everything is going to be what I wanted it to be. That's ok though just the same as 2021. 

There, as I said, have been lots of changes in the way things are regarding my disability. I think that the changes will be positive for the future to a certain degree. I'm hoping to have the final place, but it may not happen. We'll see. That's ok though because there is always going to be positive and negative. No matter what.

What do I want from 2022 ?

All I want is a way of being able to be safe and yet not stressed out too much. I know that this is going to be a difficult year ahead with the way that my family is going to have a head regarding their own situation such as GCSEs and a new place. We don't know what could actually be happening. We just have to take it month by month. 

So that means that we have to think about what is going on each month and make a small plan so that we have a monthly plan rather than a big goal for the entire year as something we can grasp on to. 

And that's what I think is going to be something that is going to help me as a person with anxiety. But it's also a lesson that I need to learn.

What I don't want from 2022?

I don't want to disabled person to be so stressed out that I'm panicking in a day-to-day situation for everything that has to be dealt with. 

I can manage if things are the occasional hiccup, but if there are lots of things that are causing issues then I will be full of anxiety and not wanting to do anything and instead wanting to hide so that is a negative side of 2022. Knowing what my disability holds in general makes it a lot harder at times to realise what we can do and what can happen and what help we have available.

What will I be doing in 2022?

I will be getting ready for the new home sorting things out to get to that stage and before setting down hopefully in the new final home but we can't confirm or any of that for the next year until the end of the year.  I'm going to be tentative about moving in this time next year, ready for the new place. 

What next?

My plan for now is to take each task that makes the future safe and secure for me and my family. As I know that the future can be very uncertain yet I can make it as safe as I possibly can. That is all I can do for now.

 

Urgh! More changes ahead! Can't wait but good things come to those who wait!

 Oh no! Not again!

I have been struggling with things the last few weeks. I hate having them but depression and anxiety have been a real big struggle for me and I’m still having moments daily with anxiety kicking in. I know why but they are things that are out of my control. These are things that change the future of myself and the family and these things are scary. They are exciting but scary too.

Dealing with each emotion as they come:

For me, 4 main emotions come across me in anxiety and these are:

• Fear
• Worry
• Anger
• Frustration

These are because of the worry for the future and my family and the fact I am worried that what I want for the future

Fear:

I have an amazing family and I am not sure what is going to happen in the future for them. I want them to be happy and do exactly what they want to do. Even if at the moment I have to consider my own life at the same time for the now.

Worry:

Here things seem to be more stressful. But here are where things are less controllable. Because of the things I am planning for the future. I find that the people I am waiting for have their decision before I can take the next step for our goals.

Anger:

This feeling is because of the worry from the plan not going ahead as planned

Frustration:

Again this emotion is coming up because of the other feelings that are brought up by other peoples actions or lack of action. Causing the uncertainty of the future for everyone else. Because I am not really worried about myself.

What do I do?

• Acknowledge the feelings
• Keep busy
• Read
• Listen to podcasts
• Listen to music
• Eat
• Write my posts here.

But there are lots of different ways you can deal with them. Some of them are negative so although they are known I won’t mention them here. But the following are:

• Reading
• Watching movies
• Listening to podcasts
• Listening to books (Audible)
• Sleeping
• Have a shower
• Eat comfort food.

What Now!

This is up to you because anxiety and depression are often interlinked and can be helped. Although it is said that you can be cured I feel that you can’t be cured but it can be held at bay for an indefinite length of time. As it's always possibly going to come back because of some event that could trigger it.

For Me.

Because of my own feelings that I mention I have decided to incorporate various things here so that there are different ways to show you that although there are many differences between people like me with disabilities and those of you who are reading this post who don’t have any physical condition but yet suffer from similar mental conditions. I am starting to bring things to a complete circle to prove that we are capable of doing things. There will be various ways to learn about cerebral palsy from a personal view. I can’t wait to show you.